The biggest gift we can give our kids is a can-do attitude

If you could help your child be more intelligent, more athletic, more creative, and more skilled in other ways that matter to them, wouldn’t you? For most parents, this is an easy yes. What if I told you that you can help your child do all these things?

For much of history, people believed children were born with certain traits that couldn’t be changed, and schools were set up based on this belief. Now, we know better.  

In the late 1980s, educational psychologist Carol Dweck wanted to understand why some students rebounded from failure and went on to surpass all expectations, while others couldn’t overcome even the smallest setbacks. The difference, it turned out, had a lot to do with their mindsets. 

During the last thirty years, social science and neuroscience research have demonstrated the difference between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. A fixed mindset views traits as inherent, and this belief often keeps people rooted in place. A growth mindset is defined by the belief that we can improve our skills and intelligence with persistent effort. 

With a fixed mindset, a single failure can be all someone needs to believe they are dumb or bad at sports or can’t do art. With a growth mindset, a failure may be disappointing, but it provides information that allows a person to improve. If you understand that the brain continues developing throughout our lives and that consistent practice allows you to gain mastery over a subject or skill, you’d be crazy to stop trying after one failure.    

Based on current imaging technology, we can actually see what’s happening in the brain, so we know that with practice, neural networks in children, adolescents, and adults grow new connections, strengthen existing ones, and build insulation that speeds transmission of impulses. We can actually see brains getting smarter throughout our lives.

Given all this, it seems to me that one of the biggest gifts we can give children is a growth mindset. A growth mindset enables children to build resiliency and keep going when things don’t go as planned. And study after study show that children with a growth mindset outperform those with a fixed mindset in school, in sports, and in many other ways. 

So, how can we as parents and educators support children in developing this mindset? 

We can focus on the process of learning, rather than on having a particular trait. MindsetWorks.com has a great set of recommendations on what to say (and not say) when kids face adversity or failure. 

Say things like:

• Wow, your hard work really paid off. 
• Looks like that was easy for you. Let’s find something challenging, so your brain can grow.
• It seems like it’s time for a new strategy.

Don’t say things like:

• You’re a natural.
• You’re so smart.
• Maybe you’re just not cut out for this.

One of my favorite ways to encourage a growth mindset is adding the word YET to the end of a student’s sentence when they come to me feeling discouraged. They say, “I don’t understand how to do this!” And I say, “Yet.” They say, “I’m not good at this.” And I say, “Yet.” Sometimes squirrelly middle schoolers roll their eyes at me when I say this, but then, they smirk and repeat it. “I’m not good at this, yet.” 

I was first introduced to the concept of the growth mindset several years ago when I was the principal at Mountain Vista Middle School thanks to our special education teacher, Kerry Smith. Her students, who faced all sorts of challenges from physical to cognitive, approached life differently under her tutelage. They didn’t fall apart when things got hard. They didn’t give in. Not only was this inspiring for those of us on staff, but students would see Ms. Smith’s class doing hard things against all odds, and figured if her students could do those things then they could too.

To help children embrace life with a can-do attitude, here are some helpful tips (big thanks to therapyworks.com for many of these suggestions).

1. Respond to their achievements or failures based on hard work and opportunities to learn.
2. Add “yet” to the end of their sentences when they say they can’t do something.
3. Share your own mistakes and what you learned from them. Show your child how you overcome adversity and learn new things.
4. Explain the science behind growth (look it up on YouTube).
5. Introduce new experiences (ask your child what they’d like to try).
6. If your child has physical, emotional, or cognitive challenges, seek support services to help.

If you think about the experiences that taught you the most in your life, they probably weren’t the easiest ones. If we can help children see challenges as opportunities for learning, and give them the confidence to stick it out, we will have given them a great gift.